words about him *will be constantly updated bc I am a loser*

one night

he asked me if I was happy

I sigh, a lot of the time.

but not all the time

and not as much as i want to be.

but right now

with you

I am okay.

im sorry he says

I reply it’s not your fault

he says not that kind of sorry.

The kind of sorry where I’m saying

I wish it’d get better

but I’m not gonna sit here and try to solve everything.

and it was then I knew I was in too deep

because he wasn’t trying to fix me.

only understand.

I pick away at the nail polish on my fingers.

this is a sign of distress i have learned about myself.

he wakes up and grabs my hand.

does he know? or does he think he knows?

I choose to believe the former.

because either way

I feel better.

I love to watch him sleep.

my eyelashes scrape against the pillow when i blink and i wonder if he can hear it because it sounds like thunder to my ears but then again his slow breathing sounds like waves calmly crashing onto the shore.

my head is dizzy.

but I love to watch him sleep.

he hears me scrape away the polish on my nails

I thought he was asleep.

he says what are you thinking about?

I tell him nothing

he doesn’t believe me, but also doesn’t push.

he talks of the future

and reasons to get up in the morning

he talks of the very things I am afraid of.

but his voice is sweet

it doesn’t sound so scary when it comes from his lips.

and it also sounds possible.

he could devastate me.

a part of me

is him.

I know we’re too young to think about forever.

but right now that’s what it feels like.

when is it too early for love

I am unable to think of anything but the way his fingers draw on my body

like they are trying to paint the most beautiful picture.

no artist could compare to his fingertips on my skin.

he speaks in tongues on my inner thighs.

his hands make their way around my body

i am awake

and i am alive.

tongues dance and fingers play

we are putting on a show.

arguments, even small ones about limes,

leave a burning sensation in my throat

and make my tongue feel like poison.

I worry he will get tired of who i am.

he reassures me often but what if he gets tired of it? of me?

I have no reason to feel this way.

we are in love.

god, I love him.

but what if love gets tiring?

I’m just scared with no reason to be scared.

he says he wants to fly

because everything looks so pretty from above.

I think he looks just lovely down here.

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