I think a lot about me, and everyone I love around me, dying. it’s more than just worry or maybe even anxiety. it’s just that I am genuinely not able to think of anything but the worst.
if even the slightest thing happens my brain automatically goes to the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen.
for example: I was in the shower and i heard a noise. I know that it could’ve been literally anything, my cat knocked something over or maybe my dogs were playing. I can acknowledge these things but my brain created and entire scenario where someone broke into my home and i imagined my dog being protective and attacking and then being shot in the head and then the intruder comes into the bathroom and sees my naked body and decides, instead of killing me, to sell me off.
all from a small and simple noise.
and i knew how crazy and illogical it was yet I felt that it was the most possible thing to happen at that moment.
my brain is just messed up.
I can’t be left alone without feeling like I have been abandoned and i can’t see my loved ones driving away without feeling like I will never see or speak to them again.
there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is but I just wanna feel better.