who am i, i don’t even know.

my ex best friend continues to post about me on social media and i can’t stand it. she was terrible to me. cursed at me. and wasn’t at all accepting of me. she’s a firm christian, but has bent her beliefs for many things.

one of these things she wouldn’t bend on was my hypothetical lesbian wedding.

the reason this mattered greatly to me was because i was toying with the idea of liking girls romantically. I had no idea how I would end up telling this girl who means so much to me as my best friend that I could possibly date a girl. I was afraid that she would not be accepting at all and end up stopping being my friend. which I guess ended up happening anyway.

either way, she was very cruel and keeps posting that she misses me and check my social media and cries and i just cannot stand it. it makes me so angry.

it’s hard to believe that the person closest to you wouldn’t do everything they can to make you feel secure.

I know I’m better off without her but i just miss having someone close. someone to gush to about my boyfriend and to gossip about dumb stuff that doesn’t matter and to call when I’m bored or need advice and to hang out with and just have a good time.

on another hand I’m afraid to get that close to someone again. what if the next person doesn’t accept me too.

it seems like more and more posts keep adding up just about how goddamn scared I am.

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1 Comment

  1. I can relate so much to many aspects you wrote about but not the fact of being scared at least not anymore. I had a “friend” even “friends” at some point and I was never able to tell them who I really am, what I really think. I knew I will be pointed at and mocked – here is the “I was scared” part-. So with time I distanced myself and ended up alone but free and not living any kind of hypocrisy in friendship relationships but I don’t have on the other hand a full friendship relationship, the one that deals with all aspects and talks about just anything. It is hard I know but I prefer it better. Have you ever read my “freedom statement” ? https://lafetedelagrenouille.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/freedom-statement/
    My best friend who knows almost everything about who I am and with whom I can talk about almost anything is my husband. He is very open minded, much more than me and he can guess my deepest thoughts, he is amazing but it’s me who sometimes does not dare tell the things in “words”. When ideas are materialized they become closer and I prefer that some things remain ideas and thoughts because I can’t deal yet with all my truths, it takes time. Again, I totally get what you are writing about. To hell with people who will not accept you just the way you are, you are better without this kind of surrounding.

    Liked by 1 person

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