my brother is my best friend

I know what he wants out of life and this isn’t it.  I can do nothing but be there for him as he does me. so far, it has been us against the world, and although sometimes we falter, I believe we are in the lead; we are winning. he trembles in his speak while I burst. where I am unsure, he makes a decision. we work, in more ways than one. he can’t help but love too hard and too much, but I am there to bring him back from the brink when it ends. our promise is forever and there’s no intention of breaking it because I am positive that that is when the world will end.

put urself together because u are amazing!!!

and so, the sun will go down, and the noise will fade away. I will be alone in my room in my bed and I will not be able to hide the fact that I am truly hurt.

 I will pull out my pen and I will write about it. I will write of the tears and the sobs. I will cry and cover my mouth so no one hears me; even though I am alone.

 I will fall asleep and wake up with dark circles. I will go about my day while the sun is up like I’m doing just fine. 

but the sun will always go down so I will always feel the hurt till I put myself together again.

I hope i never make a home out of something that makes me weak

I remember the best point in my life was early last year. no drama that I couldn’t suppress, no boy drama, no friend drama. it was wonderful. I was so sure of myself and who i was and i wish I could go back. it was a time when I was known for independence, a hurricane. I want to go back. I want to be seen as a hurricane . I don’t want to belong to anybody or anywhere except myself and i want to be content with that. yeah, love sounds wonderful too but so far none have wanted me to belong to myself first.

 or maybe I just have high standards. 

whatever.

I don’t want to settle for a boy who pulls up my shirts or who hates it when I hug my guy friends. I’m sick of it. it made me feel weak and it made me feel small.

I just want someone who understands but no one understands better than i do and i think that’s beautiful.

because being with myself makes me calm, and sure.

I’ll wait for someone to match that.

from 2016. when it was bad.

when my dad catches me sneaking in at 3am i dont know what hes more disappointed in. the smell of cigarettes on my breath. the loss of trust. or the sight of tears in my eyes from letting you get to me. he taught me better. better than to slowly kill myself and better than letting a simple boy make me feel less than the goddess he raised me to be. 
when i wake up at 3am clutching my chest i dont know what to feel. and i dont know what to do. so i grab the pack stored away in my drawer and use my lit candle to ease my thoughts. i wipe my face and i close my eyes but the scenes of me begging you to leave me alone always flash.
it was 3am when i searched up harassment and manipulation. it was 3am when i stared at myself in the mirror and wondered how i let out get this far, this bad, this messed up. 
it was 3pm that i told somebody. it was the first time i ever felt like i could breathe. it was the first time i ever felt like i wasn’t going into battle by myself. 

but the tears never stopped and I’m out of cigarettes. the war is not won. i still wake up at 3am and now i beg for 3pm.

thanks for the pepperoni and sausage pizza, dad, but u know I’ve been a vegetarian for over a year.

ok but

this is actually an issue.

I have been living with my dad for almost 3 years  and last year I made the decision to become a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian before, when I was a kid, but I had to stop because my dad “doesn’t trust people who don’t eat meat” and it made me feel sad. but I’m not a kid anymore and i can make life altering decisions on my own and he has no choice but to respect them.
although I believe this to be true, he still finds little ways to get back at me for this. for example, getting food for me that I do not eat like pepperoni and sausage pizza or burgers from big star and it literally makes me feel terrible. it makes me feel unimportant to him. he used to see me as his world, his savior  (and i mean he literally saw me as someone who saved his life bc I’m the reason he didn’t kill himself but that’s a story for another time) but I guess he just came to terms with the fact that I’m really just an average teen that makes decisions he doesn’t like.
I think he’s just getting sick of me.
he isn’t caring so much anymore now that I’m older.
my shoulder is acting up again and he didn’t say anything when I told him.
my glasses broke and it didn’t matter.
I mentioned my eating habits and it didn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter anymore but ya know what I’m not gonna let it get to me.

fucking or making love: sex is lame and nothing like tumblr says it is!!!

one of the most talked about thing among high schoolers is sex. 

lame.

sex is treated as either something that is to be held deeply to one, “do it with someone you love” blah blah blah and then there’s the “i gotta do it before the end of my high school career. oh I just banged 5 chicks ha ha” type thing.
there is very little between them.
but the reality of sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. more likely than not, the first time will not be with the person you’re destined to love your entire life.
mine was literally like “well idk what the point of waiting for the love of my life is. do you got a condom?” and that was that.
turnover was playing in the background and while the dude was on top of me all I could think about was “damn WHAT is the name of this song?” and then it was over. not too short, not too long. the next couple times weren’t all that great either for me but I still wanted them.
sex is weird in this day and age. it isn’t important and it isn’t emotional.
every time this dude and I had sex he would either call it fucking or making love which is weird because he never loved me. maybe he thought I was that type of girl to view sex as some great emotional bond between lovers.
I don’t know.
forget what you hear about sex till you’ve had it because it’s nothing like the movies and it’s nothing like the stories.
at least, so far.

I’m all out of order

there was a time where I would spend the entire morning with you before you had to go to work late afternoon. 

and two hours later, on your break, you would beg me to come see you for those short 15 minutes. 
there was a time where I would sneak out of my house at midnight just to sleep with you for a few hours because you asked me to. 

and because I wasn’t able to see you the next day, you whined when I had to leave because a day felt like an eternity without me.
there was a time where we had spent 2 full days together and i was worried that you were beginning to get sick of me, but you reassured me that you never would.

but you don’t beg me to see you on your breaks anymore. you dont ask me to come over anymore. and if one day feels like an eternity than you must be in forever because I haven’t seen you in weeks. and you don’t reassure me anymore and you don’t say goodmorning anymore and you don’t hold my hand anymore.
and i miss you terribly. and i started smoking again. but I’ve also started writing again. and I’ve started reading again. 

but I don’t eat. and i haven’t slept. 
how am I supposed to look at it?