happy birthday, you piece of absolute garbageĀ 

August 10th, the day you were born. 

today is going to suck because you will be all I can think of today.

like, “what are you doing” and “are you doing well” and “do you still think about me” and “do you still think about her” and “do you think about what you did to us because you fucking ruined us both and i hope it eats away at you till the day you come back”.

I started a photography project on you. happy birthday; it can be your present. im hoping it gives me the temporary closure that I deserve because the day you come back i will be ready for it. I will no longer be the sad girl that is currently sitting and writing this. I will be strong and steady and firm and sure.

happy birthday.

fuck you. 

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eating pt. 2: the worry.

i haven’t had a meal in a while. I am trying very hard not to worry but it is getting worse. I am skinnier now than I ever have been. i am weak, and tired and my wounds take a while to heal. I am never hungry so I never eat, only when I get dizzy or when I am out with friends. I eat with them so they can stop worrying so much but I think I should stop because it’s getting bad. I can feel my hip bones now which is an entirely new thing for me given my state a couple months ago. it has to be the stress but I don’t know how to fix it. but thinking of food now just sort of makes me sick and that worries me because I can’t have then worry about me like last time.

list of dos and donts when my depression gets bad again

Dos

  • do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups

  • drink lots of water 

  • read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it

  • listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.

  • talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener

  • detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.

  • clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.

  • draw flowers. you love flowers.

  • plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.

      Donts

      • nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
      • stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
      • watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
      • bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
      • think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
        • listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
        • shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.

          DONT WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.

          eye contact is a thing of the past, brown eyes.

          everything reminds me of him. 

          old cars, dimples, brown eyes, large steering wheels, dinosaurs, even fucking burritos.

          he follows me everywhere I go and it sucks because I just want to heal and i cannot do that if he is still here in my mind.

          he took my heart and my sanity to freaking south carolina.

          memories in his bed and in his stupid beautiful car play in my head on a loop when I am alone which is the WORST because all I want to be right now is alone. 

          brown eyes aren’t the same for me anymore which means I can never look my own damn self in the eyes without wanting to ball up my fists and pull at my hair.

          i wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing.

          bruises on my knuckles and cuts on my fingers. Aug 1. it was personal.

          I found out that his bed has been corrupted.

          and his kiss was never mine.

          and his words were not just for me.

          I got bruised knuckles and cuts on my fingers 

          but today has been better than yesterday.

          and tomorrow i will be sore but it will be better than today. 

          I will always count on tomorrow.

          you are the ocean waves and i am choking

          I had a dream where you loved me again.

          and when I woke up, it hurt.

          I knew it was too good to be true.

          because first you made me feel like the world

          and then you stopped

          and now you’re gone.

          and when you come back i don’t know what I’ll do with myself. 

          you are the ocean waves

          and i am choking. 

          She’s broken – Billie Eilish

          my brother is my best friend

          I know what he wants out of life and this isn’t it.  I can do nothing but be there for him as he does me. so far, it has been us against the world, and although sometimes we falter, I believe we are in the lead; we are winning. he trembles in his speak while I burst. where I am unsure, he makes a decision. we work, in more ways than one. he can’t help but love too hard and too much, but I am there to bring him back from the brink when it ends. our promise is forever and there’s no intention of breaking it because I am positive that that is when the world will end.