some messages he sent me soon before it was over.

.

I mean can I see you tomorrow morning instead I’m laying down now

.

I fell asleep crying and shaking last night
.

Bad I want u
.

On my way to get you
.

I work again all Fucking night

.

If u can sleep over

.

I have plans
.

miss u. I’m buzzed

.

Come fuck me at work
.

I’m drunk driving
.

I’m really fucked up I suck ok I’m sorry. I understand you 100%. You see I didn’t know you were all down for me like that. Can we try this when I come back if u don’t meet another guy idk
.

I know I know I failed you I was drunk and didn’t even know what was going on until I got there
.

I didn’t bail I just ended up being there the whole damn day it was our go skate day instead of today cause it’s actually national go skate day
.

wow

.

No I’m really not I miss u but i have just been working a lot
.

What do u wanna do
.

Obviously i want to see u wtf
.

I lost interest in everything honestly. I’m leaving everyone I feel like will forget about me and want nothing to do with me
.

I’ve been super busy I’m sorry I know I suck
.

I went alone. Wish someone went with

.

I wanna see you too I’m sorry. I’m selfish and suck at everything.
.

Just took 2 shots omg
.

I was super pissed and sad as hell
.

Call me when u wake up around 1030
.

I’m alive. I’m sorry

.

You hate me
.

I’m pissed

.

I drank a lot and had like  6 pills and I won’t stop shaking
.

Not once have I said it was the end
.

I’m sorry. I care about you too

some messages i sent him soon before it was over.

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miss u. hope you got home okay.

.

you opened up to me just a little bit last night and now you’re just gonna run away? fine but I deserve to have a few questions answered about what the hell is going on? What are you so afraid of?

.

I don’t even know what I did wrong
.

okay okay babe have fun 

.

you used to be so different with me lol you used to invite me over just to sleep and send me reassuring goodnight messages and pick me up early as hell just to spend time with me and beg me to stay with you longer and you used to tell me that a day without me felt like a year but now you can go weeks without me and seem to be completely fine 

.

yeah well I’m tired about not being important to you so guess things suck for the both of us

.
well why won’t you try

.
it’s like one moment I’m worried that you want nothing to do with me and then the next moment you’re apologizing and telling me you wanna see me lol

.
i feel like someone you’re just sort of talking to at the moment without progression 

.
I’ve literally wanted nothing more than to just be with you and it’s like you don’t even care lol it sucks because I know you’re leaving soon so I just want to spend time with you

.
i feel like I should just take a page out of the book “he’s just not that into you” and pull the whole “if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen no matter what” thing because you seem to just be trying to avoid it altogether  and that’s lame so 

.
i need my sweater back. not today but soon

.
he’s pretty great. he’s gonna be grilling out today and probably getting drunk 

.

also, please be careful driving bc I care about you loser

.

did you happen to find my sweater that I left there from like weeks ago

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don’t bother coming. i have like half a wall left.

.
 you cant just go and say “yeah hey natalia i pinky promise that I’m drunk driving tonight oh man I just took 2 shots haha” and not respond 

.
are you able to come see me rn 

.

so you’re just done with me now?

.
what am I to you .

he is not the sky!!! YOU ARE!!!

honey, he isn’t thinking of you.

he isn’t thinking of talking to you or kissing you or holding you.

one day you’re going to have to realize that it’s over even if he doesn’t tell you. 

you’re gonna break, or maybe you already have but you are the sun and the moon and the stars and he will not hold you back.

the crushing in your chest and the hardness of your cheeks won’t last forever.

beauty in the ugly truth 

tw: rape 

my friend came clean about a time she was taken advantage of. I knew the guy. he goes to these house shows i go to every two weeks.

I’ve taken his picture before where he posed with my brother and a close friend. she was scared and nervous about opening up because her boyfriend plays at the house shows and doesn’t want anything to jeopardize that and that’s how I know she is strong. I came forward with the owner of the house about this guy. I told him about how he used to touch my friend and how she was only 14 and he was 17 and it made me queasy just telling him the story of a girl I didn’t even know at the time. she can feel safe again and have fun again and walk around knowing that everyone knows. she is so strong and i admire that. the owner thanked me and told me how much he appreciated me and that’s when I realized that the world can sometimes be a beautiful place with beautiful, strong people and it sometimes makes it all have meaning again. I felt like I did good today.

eating pt. 1: the very tired girl.

i haven’t been eating lately. i am worried. my eating habits have been so bad that I couldn’t remember if I had eaten that day or when the last time I had eaten a meal even was. i hadn’t really noticed it before but I am very tired again to the point of where I could sleep, go to school, and then come back home to go back to sleep. my friends have yet to notice and I’m glad; let’s keep it that way. I don’t know if I’m getting bad again and that terrifies me because I don’t want to go through the explaining and I don’t want them to worry.

 

don’t worry. you will be okay. you have gone through this before, and you are strong.

he said he didn’t know what he took, but he took about 6.

he took some pills

and drank away his sadness

last night

he told me he cried himself to sleep

and he was shaking

he was scared

he never came to me

he never told me.

does he love me

or did the pills take it all away?
I am worried and i am scared

for him

I am scared that the drinks he downs will drown him

and take him away from me

in the worst way possible.
we are worried 

and we are scared

both for him

and me for us

July 13, 2016. happy anniversary mom & dad

let me start off this thing by saying

screw you both. 

you guys messed me up in more ways than either of you would ever admit and i will never come back from it.

second of all, happy anniversary. because although you both are seeing other people, you’re still married (unfortunately).

and i can’t help but want to reminisce on this day of days of the times where we were happy; or according to you, mom, pretending to be happy. but I can’t because all those fond memories were tainted by the words “your mother and i have decided….” and then it fades out. there was an “it will be the friendliest divorce you’ll ever see….” in there but cmon, that was a damn lie and a half because you both can barely stand to be in a room together. 

It was sudden, and it hurt. 

it hurt like hell.

damn, I’m crying now.

anyway, yeah, screw you both & have a good day.