and so, the sun will go down, and the noise will fade away. I will be alone in my room in my bed and I will not be able to hide the fact that I am truly hurt.
I will pull out my pen and I will write about it. I will write of the tears and the sobs. I will cry and cover my mouth so no one hears me; even though I am alone.
I will fall asleep and wake up with dark circles. I will go about my day while the sun is up like I’m doing just fine.
but the sun will always go down so I will always feel the hurt till I put myself together again.
I remember the best point in my life was early last year. no drama that I couldn’t suppress, no boy drama, no friend drama. it was wonderful. I was so sure of myself and who i was and i wish I could go back. it was a time when I was known for independence, a hurricane. I want to go back. I want to be seen as a hurricane . I don’t want to belong to anybody or anywhere except myself and i want to be content with that. yeah, love sounds wonderful too but so far none have wanted me to belong to myself first.
or maybe I just have high standards.
I don’t want to settle for a boy who pulls up my shirts or who hates it when I hug my guy friends. I’m sick of it. it made me feel weak and it made me feel small.
I just want someone who understands but no one understands better than i do and i think that’s beautiful.
because being with myself makes me calm, and sure.
I’ll wait for someone to match that.
when my dad catches me sneaking in at 3am i dont know what hes more disappointed in. the smell of cigarettes on my breath. the loss of trust. or the sight of tears in my eyes from letting you get to me. he taught me better. better than to slowly kill myself and better than letting a simple boy make me feel less than the goddess he raised me to be.
when i wake up at 3am clutching my chest i dont know what to feel. and i dont know what to do. so i grab the pack stored away in my drawer and use my lit candle to ease my thoughts. i wipe my face and i close my eyes but the scenes of me begging you to leave me alone always flash.
it was 3am when i searched up harassment and manipulation. it was 3am when i stared at myself in the mirror and wondered how i let out get this far, this bad, this messed up.
it was 3pm that i told somebody. it was the first time i ever felt like i could breathe. it was the first time i ever felt like i wasn’t going into battle by myself.
but the tears never stopped and I’m out of cigarettes. the war is not won. i still wake up at 3am and now i beg for 3pm.
this is actually an issue.
I have been living with my dad for almost 3 years and last year I made the decision to become a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian before, when I was a kid, but I had to stop because my dad “doesn’t trust people who don’t eat meat” and it made me feel sad. but I’m not a kid anymore and i can make life altering decisions on my own and he has no choice but to respect them.
although I believe this to be true, he still finds little ways to get back at me for this. for example, getting food for me that I do not eat like pepperoni and sausage pizza or burgers from big star and it literally makes me feel terrible. it makes me feel unimportant to him. he used to see me as his world, his savior (and i mean he literally saw me as someone who saved his life bc I’m the reason he didn’t kill himself but that’s a story for another time) but I guess he just came to terms with the fact that I’m really just an average teen that makes decisions he doesn’t like.
I think he’s just getting sick of me.
he isn’t caring so much anymore now that I’m older.
my shoulder is acting up again and he didn’t say anything when I told him.
my glasses broke and it didn’t matter.
I mentioned my eating habits and it didn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter anymore but ya know what I’m not gonna let it get to me.
one of the most talked about thing among high schoolers is sex.
sex is treated as either something that is to be held deeply to one, “do it with someone you love” blah blah blah and then there’s the “i gotta do it before the end of my high school career. oh I just banged 5 chicks ha ha” type thing.
there is very little between them.
but the reality of sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. more likely than not, the first time will not be with the person you’re destined to love your entire life.
mine was literally like “well idk what the point of waiting for the love of my life is. do you got a condom?” and that was that.
turnover was playing in the background and while the dude was on top of me all I could think about was “damn WHAT is the name of this song?” and then it was over. not too short, not too long. the next couple times weren’t all that great either for me but I still wanted them.
sex is weird in this day and age. it isn’t important and it isn’t emotional.
every time this dude and I had sex he would either call it fucking or making love which is weird because he never loved me. maybe he thought I was that type of girl to view sex as some great emotional bond between lovers.
I don’t know.
forget what you hear about sex till you’ve had it because it’s nothing like the movies and it’s nothing like the stories.
at least, so far.
there was a time where I would spend the entire morning with you before you had to go to work late afternoon.
and two hours later, on your break, you would beg me to come see you for those short 15 minutes.
there was a time where I would sneak out of my house at midnight just to sleep with you for a few hours because you asked me to.
and because I wasn’t able to see you the next day, you whined when I had to leave because a day felt like an eternity without me.
there was a time where we had spent 2 full days together and i was worried that you were beginning to get sick of me, but you reassured me that you never would.
but you don’t beg me to see you on your breaks anymore. you dont ask me to come over anymore. and if one day feels like an eternity than you must be in forever because I haven’t seen you in weeks. and you don’t reassure me anymore and you don’t say goodmorning anymore and you don’t hold my hand anymore.
and i miss you terribly. and i started smoking again. but I’ve also started writing again. and I’ve started reading again.
but I don’t eat. and i haven’t slept.
how am I supposed to look at it?
I mean can I see you tomorrow morning instead I’m laying down now
I fell asleep crying and shaking last night
Bad I want u
On my way to get you
I work again all Fucking night
If u can sleep over
I have plans
miss u. I’m buzzed
Come fuck me at work
I’m drunk driving
I’m really fucked up I suck ok I’m sorry. I understand you 100%. You see I didn’t know you were all down for me like that. Can we try this when I come back if u don’t meet another guy idk
I know I know I failed you I was drunk and didn’t even know what was going on until I got there
I didn’t bail I just ended up being there the whole damn day it was our go skate day instead of today cause it’s actually national go skate day
No I’m really not I miss u but i have just been working a lot
What do u wanna do
Obviously i want to see u wtf
I lost interest in everything honestly. I’m leaving everyone I feel like will forget about me and want nothing to do with me
I’ve been super busy I’m sorry I know I suck
I went alone. Wish someone went with
I wanna see you too I’m sorry. I’m selfish and suck at everything.
Just took 2 shots omg
I was super pissed and sad as hell
Call me when u wake up around 1030
I’m alive. I’m sorry
You hate me
I drank a lot and had like 6 pills and I won’t stop shaking
Not once have I said it was the end
I’m sorry. I care about you too