words about him *will be constantly updated bc I am a loser*

one night 

he asked me if I was happy 

I sigh, a lot of the time.

but not all the time 

and not as much as i want to be.

but right now

with you

I am okay.

im sorry he says 

I reply it’s not your fault 

he says not that kind of sorry.

The kind of sorry where I’m saying

 I wish it’d get better

but I’m not gonna sit here and try to solve everything.

and it was then I knew I was in too deep

because he wasn’t trying to fix me.

only understand.

I pick away at the nail polish on my fingers.

this is a sign of distress i have learned about myself.

he wakes up and grabs my hand.

does he know? or does he think he knows?

I choose to believe the former.

because either way

I feel better.

I love to watch him sleep.

my eyelashes scrape against the pillow when i blink and i wonder if he can hear it because it sounds like thunder to my ears but then again his slow breathing sounds like waves calmly crashing onto the shore.

my head is dizzy.

but I love to watch him sleep.

he hears me scrape away the polish on my nails

I thought he was asleep.

he says what are you thinking about?

I tell him nothing 

he doesn’t believe me, but also doesn’t push.

he talks of the future 

and reasons to get up in the morning

he talks of the very things I am afraid of.

but his voice is sweet

it doesn’t sound so scary when it comes from his lips.

and it also sounds possible.

he could devastate me.

a part of me 

is him. 

I know we’re too young to think about forever.

but right now that’s what it feels like.

when is it too early for love

I am unable to think of anything but the way his fingers draw on my body

like they are trying to paint the most beautiful picture.

no artist could compare to his fingertips on my skin.

he speaks in tongues on my inner thighs.

his hands make their way around my body 

i am awake

and i am alive.

tongues dance and fingers play

we are putting on a show.

arguments, even small ones about limes,

leave a burning sensation in my throat

and make my tongue feel like poison.

I worry he will get tired of who i am.

he reassures me often but what if he gets tired of it? of me?

I have no reason to feel this way.

we are in love. 

god, I love him. 

but what if love gets tiring? 

I’m just scared with no reason to be scared. 

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I found a box of his things & then I cried again 

it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.

and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion. 

I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone 

and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.

I’m all out of order

there was a time where I would spend the entire morning with you before you had to go to work late afternoon. 

and two hours later, on your break, you would beg me to come see you for those short 15 minutes. 
there was a time where I would sneak out of my house at midnight just to sleep with you for a few hours because you asked me to. 

and because I wasn’t able to see you the next day, you whined when I had to leave because a day felt like an eternity without me.
there was a time where we had spent 2 full days together and i was worried that you were beginning to get sick of me, but you reassured me that you never would.

but you don’t beg me to see you on your breaks anymore. you dont ask me to come over anymore. and if one day feels like an eternity than you must be in forever because I haven’t seen you in weeks. and you don’t reassure me anymore and you don’t say goodmorning anymore and you don’t hold my hand anymore.
and i miss you terribly. and i started smoking again. but I’ve also started writing again. and I’ve started reading again. 

but I don’t eat. and i haven’t slept. 
how am I supposed to look at it?

some messages he sent me soon before it was over.

.

I mean can I see you tomorrow morning instead I’m laying down now

.

I fell asleep crying and shaking last night
.

Bad I want u
.

On my way to get you
.

I work again all Fucking night

.

If u can sleep over

.

I have plans
.

miss u. I’m buzzed

.

Come fuck me at work
.

I’m drunk driving
.

I’m really fucked up I suck ok I’m sorry. I understand you 100%. You see I didn’t know you were all down for me like that. Can we try this when I come back if u don’t meet another guy idk
.

I know I know I failed you I was drunk and didn’t even know what was going on until I got there
.

I didn’t bail I just ended up being there the whole damn day it was our go skate day instead of today cause it’s actually national go skate day
.

wow

.

No I’m really not I miss u but i have just been working a lot
.

What do u wanna do
.

Obviously i want to see u wtf
.

I lost interest in everything honestly. I’m leaving everyone I feel like will forget about me and want nothing to do with me
.

I’ve been super busy I’m sorry I know I suck
.

I went alone. Wish someone went with

.

I wanna see you too I’m sorry. I’m selfish and suck at everything.
.

Just took 2 shots omg
.

I was super pissed and sad as hell
.

Call me when u wake up around 1030
.

I’m alive. I’m sorry

.

You hate me
.

I’m pissed

.

I drank a lot and had like  6 pills and I won’t stop shaking
.

Not once have I said it was the end
.

I’m sorry. I care about you too

some messages i sent him soon before it was over.

.

miss u. hope you got home okay.

.

you opened up to me just a little bit last night and now you’re just gonna run away? fine but I deserve to have a few questions answered about what the hell is going on? What are you so afraid of?

.

I don’t even know what I did wrong
.

okay okay babe have fun 

.

you used to be so different with me lol you used to invite me over just to sleep and send me reassuring goodnight messages and pick me up early as hell just to spend time with me and beg me to stay with you longer and you used to tell me that a day without me felt like a year but now you can go weeks without me and seem to be completely fine 

.

yeah well I’m tired about not being important to you so guess things suck for the both of us

.
well why won’t you try

.
it’s like one moment I’m worried that you want nothing to do with me and then the next moment you’re apologizing and telling me you wanna see me lol

.
i feel like someone you’re just sort of talking to at the moment without progression 

.
I’ve literally wanted nothing more than to just be with you and it’s like you don’t even care lol it sucks because I know you’re leaving soon so I just want to spend time with you

.
i feel like I should just take a page out of the book “he’s just not that into you” and pull the whole “if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen no matter what” thing because you seem to just be trying to avoid it altogether  and that’s lame so 

.
i need my sweater back. not today but soon

.
he’s pretty great. he’s gonna be grilling out today and probably getting drunk 

.

also, please be careful driving bc I care about you loser

.

did you happen to find my sweater that I left there from like weeks ago

.

don’t bother coming. i have like half a wall left.

.
 you cant just go and say “yeah hey natalia i pinky promise that I’m drunk driving tonight oh man I just took 2 shots haha” and not respond 

.
are you able to come see me rn 

.

so you’re just done with me now?

.
what am I to you .