I found a box of his things & then I cried againĀ 

it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.

and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion. 

I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone 

and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.

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eye contact is a thing of the past, brown eyes.

everything reminds me of him. 

old cars, dimples, brown eyes, large steering wheels, dinosaurs, even fucking burritos.

he follows me everywhere I go and it sucks because I just want to heal and i cannot do that if he is still here in my mind.

memories in his bed and in his stupid beautiful car play in my head on a loop when I am alone which is the WORST because all I want to be right now is alone. 

brown eyes aren’t the same for me anymore which means I can never look my own damn self in the eyes without wanting to ball up my fists and pull at my hair.

i wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing.

you are the ocean waves and i am choking

I had a dream where you loved me again.

and when I woke up, it hurt.

I knew it was too good to be true.

because first you made me feel like the world

and then you stopped

and now you’re gone.

and when you come back i don’t know what I’ll do with myself. 

you are the ocean waves

and i am choking. 

She’s broken – Billie Eilish

put urself together because u are amazing!!!

and so, the sun will go down, and the noise will fade away. I will be alone in my room in my bed and I will not be able to hide the fact that I am truly hurt.

 I will pull out my pen and I will write about it. I will write of the tears and the sobs. I will cry and cover my mouth so no one hears me; even though I am alone.

 I will fall asleep and wake up with dark circles. I will go about my day while the sun is up like I’m doing just fine. 

but the sun will always go down so I will always feel the hurt till I put myself together again.