it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.
and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion.
I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone
and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.
everything reminds me of him.
old cars, dimples, brown eyes, large steering wheels, dinosaurs, even fucking burritos.
he follows me everywhere I go and it sucks because I just want to heal and i cannot do that if he is still here in my mind.
memories in his bed and in his stupid beautiful car play in my head on a loop when I am alone which is the WORST because all I want to be right now is alone.
brown eyes aren’t the same for me anymore which means I can never look my own damn self in the eyes without wanting to ball up my fists and pull at my hair.
i wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing.
I found out that his bed has been corrupted.
and his kiss was never mine.
and his words were not just for me.
I got bruised knuckles and cuts on my fingers
but today has been better than yesterday.
and tomorrow i will be sore but it will be better than today.
I will always count on tomorrow.