I found a box of his things & then I cried again 

it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, a like of poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.

he is gone for months.

we will not speak till january.

and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion. 

I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone 

and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.

happy birthday, you piece of absolute garbage 

August 10th, the day you were born. 

today is going to suck because you will be all I can think of today.

like, “what are you doing” and “are you doing well” and “do you still think about me” and “do you still think about her” and “do you think about what you did to us because you fucking ruined us both and i hope it eats away at you till the day you come back”.

I started a photography project on you. happy birthday; it can be your present. im hoping it gives me the temporary closure that I deserve because the day you come back i will be ready for it. I will no longer be the sad girl that is currently sitting and writing this. I will be strong and steady and firm and sure.

happy birthday.

fuck you. 

some messages he sent me soon before it was over.

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I mean can I see you tomorrow morning instead I’m laying down now

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I fell asleep crying and shaking last night
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Bad I want u
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On my way to get you
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I work again all Fucking night

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If u can sleep over

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I have plans
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miss u. I’m buzzed

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Come fuck me at work
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I’m drunk driving
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I’m really fucked up I suck ok I’m sorry. I understand you 100%. You see I didn’t know you were all down for me like that. Can we try this when I come back if u don’t meet another guy idk
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I know I know I failed you I was drunk and didn’t even know what was going on until I got there
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I didn’t bail I just ended up being there the whole damn day it was our go skate day instead of today cause it’s actually national go skate day
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wow

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No I’m really not I miss u but i have just been working a lot
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What do u wanna do
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Obviously i want to see u wtf
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I lost interest in everything honestly. I’m leaving everyone I feel like will forget about me and want nothing to do with me
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I’ve been super busy I’m sorry I know I suck
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I went alone. Wish someone went with

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I wanna see you too I’m sorry. I’m selfish and suck at everything.
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Just took 2 shots omg
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I was super pissed and sad as hell
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Call me when u wake up around 1030
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I’m alive. I’m sorry

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You hate me
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I’m pissed

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I drank a lot and had like  6 pills and I won’t stop shaking
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Not once have I said it was the end
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I’m sorry. I care about you too