it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, a like of poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.
he is gone for months.
we will not speak till january.
and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion.
I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone
and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.
do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups
drink lots of water
read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it
listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.
talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener
detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.
clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.
draw flowers. you love flowers.
- plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.
- nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
- stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
- watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
- bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
- think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
- listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
- shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.
DON‘T WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.
there was a time where I would spend the entire morning with you before you had to go to work late afternoon.
and two hours later, on your break, you would beg me to come see you for those short 15 minutes.
there was a time where I would sneak out of my house at midnight just to sleep with you for a few hours because you asked me to.
and because I wasn’t able to see you the next day, you whined when I had to leave because a day felt like an eternity without me.
there was a time where we had spent 2 full days together and i was worried that you were beginning to get sick of me, but you reassured me that you never would.
but you don’t beg me to see you on your breaks anymore. you dont ask me to come over anymore. and if one day feels like an eternity than you must be in forever because I haven’t seen you in weeks. and you don’t reassure me anymore and you don’t say goodmorning anymore and you don’t hold my hand anymore.
and i miss you terribly. and i started smoking again. but I’ve also started writing again. and I’ve started reading again.
but I don’t eat. and i haven’t slept.
how am I supposed to look at it?