and as my eyes burn up i slowly start to realize that I feel alone.
ever since I was a kid I could never be home alone or my anxiety would build up and i would freak out over the simplist of sounds.
a gasp of air would leave my mouth and my heart would pump fast and faster as I look around to find no one there.
fingers tighten around my throat and a sob leaks from my lips because I AM ALONE.
it isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last and even with this knowledge i fear for the future.
I fear for the fear.
come back here and feel okay.
I started to think that maybe I’m not getting better, but I am getting better at dealing with this fact. I am basically the typical “joke about depression teen” when it has truly affected my life and the people around me. It’s a struggle to know that your own thoughts are bringing someone down along with you as they try to help you through it and when you refuse their help they insist which just drags them even further down with you. I love my friends. I love them enough to keep them in the dark now when I feel my world closing in on me. and lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to forget some things that make me want to tear my fucking hair out. But, every morning i wake up early, I take a long and warm shower and then I put on a face mask and cook myself some eggs. and for a while, I forget about how hard it’s all been on me. I sit in bed and remember some of the good times which yeah, make me a bit sad but it’s the good kind of sad. This whole time I’ve been aching to get better but really I just need to take care of myself. I need to go for more walks and read more books and take more pictures and talk to more people. This post sorta went all over the place but moral of it is that you can either pine for a better life and a better mindset or you can gradually work your way up the ladder and maybe get where you’re going with baby steps. Just…take care of yourself.
it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.
and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion.
I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone
and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.
i haven’t had a meal in a while. I am trying very hard not to worry but it is getting worse. I am skinnier now than I ever have been. i am weak, and tired and my wounds take a while to heal. I am never hungry so I never eat, only when I get dizzy or when I am out with friends. I eat with them so they can stop worrying so much but I think I should stop because it’s getting bad. I can feel my hip bones now which is an entirely new thing for me given my state a couple months ago. it has to be the stress but I don’t know how to fix it. but thinking of food now just sort of makes me sick and that worries me because I can’t have then worry about me like last time.
do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups
drink lots of water
read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it
listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.
talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener
detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.
clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.
draw flowers. you love flowers.
- plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.
- nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
- stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
- watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
- bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
- think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
- listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
- shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.
DON‘T WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.
I found out that his bed has been corrupted.
and his kiss was never mine.
and his words were not just for me.
I got bruised knuckles and cuts on my fingers
but today has been better than yesterday.
and tomorrow i will be sore but it will be better than today.
I will always count on tomorrow.