nobody too

and as my eyes burn up i slowly start to realize that I feel alone.

ever since I was a kid I could never be home alone or my anxiety would build up and i would freak out over the simplist of sounds.

a gasp of air would leave my mouth and my heart would pump fast and faster as I look around to find no one there.

fingers tighten around my throat and a sob leaks from my lips because I AM ALONE.

it isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last and even with this knowledge i fear for the future.

I fear for the fear.

come back here and feel okay.

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natalia is never allowed to get drunk ever again 

I believe the best way to deal with bad things happening to me is to not take them seriously. 

like my parents divorce or my eating disorder or in this case, when my sober close friend made the decision to make out with me while I was wasted.

I barely remembered it when I woke up.

The more I talked about it the more I started to remember. 

I remember us talking about how I was still drunk.

I remember telling him it was his decision whether or not something happened.

I remember him stroking my body before it happened.

I remember him grabbing me and pulling me closer as it happened.

I don’t remember every single detail but I remember enough to be full of regret, discomfort, and disgust. 

As the days go on its all I can think about. I wanna remember the whole thing but it probably won’t happen if it’s already been a day and a half.

I talk about it seriously on here, but of the 2 people i told i have convinced them that I am not nearly as hurt and affected by it even though it’s been clouding my mind.

he was supposed to be my friend.

just my friend.

but friends don’t take advantage of you.

I found a box of his things & then I cried again 

it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.

and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion. 

I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone 

and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.

eye contact is a thing of the past, brown eyes.

everything reminds me of him. 

old cars, dimples, brown eyes, large steering wheels, dinosaurs, even fucking burritos.

he follows me everywhere I go and it sucks because I just want to heal and i cannot do that if he is still here in my mind.

memories in his bed and in his stupid beautiful car play in my head on a loop when I am alone which is the WORST because all I want to be right now is alone. 

brown eyes aren’t the same for me anymore which means I can never look my own damn self in the eyes without wanting to ball up my fists and pull at my hair.

i wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing.

bruises on my knuckles and cuts on my fingers. Aug 1. it was personal.

I found out that his bed has been corrupted.

and his kiss was never mine.

and his words were not just for me.

I got bruised knuckles and cuts on my fingers 

but today has been better than yesterday.

and tomorrow i will be sore but it will be better than today. 

I will always count on tomorrow.

I’m all out of order

there was a time where I would spend the entire morning with you before you had to go to work late afternoon. 

and two hours later, on your break, you would beg me to come see you for those short 15 minutes. 
there was a time where I would sneak out of my house at midnight just to sleep with you for a few hours because you asked me to. 

and because I wasn’t able to see you the next day, you whined when I had to leave because a day felt like an eternity without me.
there was a time where we had spent 2 full days together and i was worried that you were beginning to get sick of me, but you reassured me that you never would.

but you don’t beg me to see you on your breaks anymore. you dont ask me to come over anymore. and if one day feels like an eternity than you must be in forever because I haven’t seen you in weeks. and you don’t reassure me anymore and you don’t say goodmorning anymore and you don’t hold my hand anymore.
and i miss you terribly. and i started smoking again. but I’ve also started writing again. and I’ve started reading again. 

but I don’t eat. and i haven’t slept. 
how am I supposed to look at it?

some messages he sent me soon before it was over.

.

I mean can I see you tomorrow morning instead I’m laying down now

.

I fell asleep crying and shaking last night
.

Bad I want u
.

On my way to get you
.

I work again all Fucking night

.

If u can sleep over

.

I have plans
.

miss u. I’m buzzed

.

Come fuck me at work
.

I’m drunk driving
.

I’m really fucked up I suck ok I’m sorry. I understand you 100%. You see I didn’t know you were all down for me like that. Can we try this when I come back if u don’t meet another guy idk
.

I know I know I failed you I was drunk and didn’t even know what was going on until I got there
.

I didn’t bail I just ended up being there the whole damn day it was our go skate day instead of today cause it’s actually national go skate day
.

wow

.

No I’m really not I miss u but i have just been working a lot
.

What do u wanna do
.

Obviously i want to see u wtf
.

I lost interest in everything honestly. I’m leaving everyone I feel like will forget about me and want nothing to do with me
.

I’ve been super busy I’m sorry I know I suck
.

I went alone. Wish someone went with

.

I wanna see you too I’m sorry. I’m selfish and suck at everything.
.

Just took 2 shots omg
.

I was super pissed and sad as hell
.

Call me when u wake up around 1030
.

I’m alive. I’m sorry

.

You hate me
.

I’m pissed

.

I drank a lot and had like  6 pills and I won’t stop shaking
.

Not once have I said it was the end
.

I’m sorry. I care about you too