nobody too

and as my eyes burn up i slowly start to realize that I feel alone.

ever since I was a kid I could never be home alone or my anxiety would build up and i would freak out over the simplist of sounds.

a gasp of air would leave my mouth and my heart would pump fast and faster as I look around to find no one there.

fingers tighten around my throat and a sob leaks from my lips because I AM ALONE.

it isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last and even with this knowledge i fear for the future.

I fear for the fear.

come back here and feel okay.

Advertisements

get better or treat yourself better?

I started to think that maybe I’m not getting better, but I am getting better at dealing with this fact. I am basically the typical “joke about depression teen” when it has truly affected my life and the people around me. It’s a struggle to know that your own thoughts are bringing someone down along with you as they try to help you through it and when you refuse their help they insist which just drags them even further down with you. I love my friends. I love them enough to keep them in the dark now when I feel my world closing in on me. and lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to forget some things that make me want to tear my fucking hair out. But, every morning i wake up early, I take a long and warm shower and then I put on a face mask and cook myself some eggs. and for a while, I forget about how hard it’s all been on me. I sit in bed and remember some of the good times which yeah, make me a bit sad but it’s the good kind of sad. This whole time I’ve been aching to get better but really I just need to take care of myself. I need to go for more walks and read more books and take more pictures and talk to more people. This post sorta went all over the place but moral of it is that you can either pine for a better life and a better mindset or you can gradually work your way up the ladder and maybe get where you’re going with baby steps. Just…take care of yourself. 

list of dos and donts when my depression gets bad again

Dos

  • do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups

  • drink lots of water 

  • read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it

  • listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.

  • talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener

  • detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.

  • clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.

  • draw flowers. you love flowers.

  • plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.

      Donts

      • nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
      • stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
      • watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
      • bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
      • think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
        • listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
        • shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.

          DONT WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.

          I hope i never make a home out of something that makes me weak

          I remember the best point in my life was early last year. no drama that I couldn’t suppress, no boy drama, no friend drama. it was wonderful. I was so sure of myself and who i was and i wish I could go back. it was a time when I was known for independence, a hurricane. I want to go back. I want to be seen as a hurricane . I don’t want to belong to anybody or anywhere except myself and i want to be content with that. yeah, love sounds wonderful too but so far none have wanted me to belong to myself first.

           or maybe I just have high standards. 

          whatever.

          I don’t want to settle for a boy who pulls up my shirts or who hates it when I hug my guy friends. I’m sick of it. it made me feel weak and it made me feel small.

          I just want someone who understands but no one understands better than i do and i think that’s beautiful.

          because being with myself makes me calm, and sure.

          I’ll wait for someone to match that.

          poem/title by morgan martinez