eating pt. 2: the worry.

i haven’t had a meal in a while. I am trying very hard not to worry but it is getting worse. I am skinnier now than I ever have been. i am weak, and tired and my wounds take a while to heal. I am never hungry so I never eat, only when I get dizzy or when I am out with friends. I eat with them so they can stop worrying so much but I think I should stop because it’s getting bad. I can feel my hip bones now which is an entirely new thing for me given my state a couple months ago. it has to be the stress but I don’t know how to fix it. but thinking of food now just sort of makes me sick and that worries me because I can’t have then worry about me like last time.

list of dos and donts when my depression gets bad again

Dos

  • do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups

  • drink lots of water 

  • read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it

  • listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.

  • talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener

  • detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.

  • clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.

  • draw flowers. you love flowers.

  • plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.

      Donts

      • nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
      • stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
      • watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
      • bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
      • think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
        • listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
        • shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.

          DONT WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.

          bruises on my knuckles and cuts on my fingers. Aug 1. it was personal.

          I found out that his bed has been corrupted.

          and his kiss was never mine.

          and his words were not just for me.

          I got bruised knuckles and cuts on my fingers 

          but today has been better than yesterday.

          and tomorrow i will be sore but it will be better than today. 

          I will always count on tomorrow.

          my brother is my best friend

          I know what he wants out of life and this isn’t it.  I can do nothing but be there for him as he does me. so far, it has been us against the world, and although sometimes we falter, I believe we are in the lead; we are winning. he trembles in his speak while I burst. where I am unsure, he makes a decision. we work, in more ways than one. he can’t help but love too hard and too much, but I am there to bring him back from the brink when it ends. our promise is forever and there’s no intention of breaking it because I am positive that that is when the world will end.

          put urself together because u are amazing!!!

          and so, the sun will go down, and the noise will fade away. I will be alone in my room in my bed and I will not be able to hide the fact that I am truly hurt.

           I will pull out my pen and I will write about it. I will write of the tears and the sobs. I will cry and cover my mouth so no one hears me; even though I am alone.

           I will fall asleep and wake up with dark circles. I will go about my day while the sun is up like I’m doing just fine. 

          but the sun will always go down so I will always feel the hurt till I put myself together again.

          I hope i never make a home out of something that makes me weak

          I remember the best point in my life was early last year. no drama that I couldn’t suppress, no boy drama, no friend drama. it was wonderful. I was so sure of myself and who i was and i wish I could go back. it was a time when I was known for independence, a hurricane. I want to go back. I want to be seen as a hurricane . I don’t want to belong to anybody or anywhere except myself and i want to be content with that. yeah, love sounds wonderful too but so far none have wanted me to belong to myself first.

           or maybe I just have high standards. 

          whatever.

          I don’t want to settle for a boy who pulls up my shirts or who hates it when I hug my guy friends. I’m sick of it. it made me feel weak and it made me feel small.

          I just want someone who understands but no one understands better than i do and i think that’s beautiful.

          because being with myself makes me calm, and sure.

          I’ll wait for someone to match that.

          thanks for the pepperoni and sausage pizza, dad, but u know I’ve been a vegetarian for over a year.

          ok but

          this is actually an issue.

          I have been living with my dad for almost 3 years  and last year I made the decision to become a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian before, when I was a kid, but I had to stop because my dad “doesn’t trust people who don’t eat meat” and it made me feel sad. but I’m not a kid anymore and i can make life altering decisions on my own and he has no choice but to respect them.
          although I believe this to be true, he still finds little ways to get back at me for this. for example, getting food for me that I do not eat like pepperoni and sausage pizza or burgers from big star and it literally makes me feel terrible. it makes me feel unimportant to him. he used to see me as his world, his savior  (and i mean he literally saw me as someone who saved his life bc I’m the reason he didn’t kill himself but that’s a story for another time) but I guess he just came to terms with the fact that I’m really just an average teen that makes decisions he doesn’t like.
          I think he’s just getting sick of me.
          he isn’t caring so much anymore now that I’m older.
          my shoulder is acting up again and he didn’t say anything when I told him.
          my glasses broke and it didn’t matter.
          I mentioned my eating habits and it didn’t matter.
          It doesn’t matter anymore but ya know what I’m not gonna let it get to me.