eating pt. 2: the worry.

i haven’t had a meal in a while. I am trying very hard not to worry but it is getting worse. I am skinnier now than I ever have been. i am weak, and tired and my wounds take a while to heal. I am never hungry so I never eat, only when I get dizzy or when I am out with friends. I eat with them so they can stop worrying so much but I think I should stop because it’s getting bad. I can feel my hip bones now which is an entirely new thing for me given my state a couple months ago. it has to be the stress but I don’t know how to fix it. but thinking of food now just sort of makes me sick and that worries me because I can’t have then worry about me like last time.

list of dos and donts when my depression gets bad again

Dos

  • do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups

  • drink lots of water 

  • read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it

  • listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.

  • talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener

  • detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.

  • clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.

  • draw flowers. you love flowers.

  • plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.

      Donts

      • nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
      • stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
      • watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
      • bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
      • think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
        • listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
        • shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.

          DONT WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.

          thanks for the pepperoni and sausage pizza, dad, but u know I’ve been a vegetarian for over a year.

          ok but

          this is actually an issue.

          I have been living with my dad for almost 3 years  and last year I made the decision to become a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian before, when I was a kid, but I had to stop because my dad “doesn’t trust people who don’t eat meat” and it made me feel sad. but I’m not a kid anymore and i can make life altering decisions on my own and he has no choice but to respect them.
          although I believe this to be true, he still finds little ways to get back at me for this. for example, getting food for me that I do not eat like pepperoni and sausage pizza or burgers from big star and it literally makes me feel terrible. it makes me feel unimportant to him. he used to see me as his world, his savior  (and i mean he literally saw me as someone who saved his life bc I’m the reason he didn’t kill himself but that’s a story for another time) but I guess he just came to terms with the fact that I’m really just an average teen that makes decisions he doesn’t like.
          I think he’s just getting sick of me.
          he isn’t caring so much anymore now that I’m older.
          my shoulder is acting up again and he didn’t say anything when I told him.
          my glasses broke and it didn’t matter.
          I mentioned my eating habits and it didn’t matter.
          It doesn’t matter anymore but ya know what I’m not gonna let it get to me.