messed up

I think a lot about me, and everyone I love around me, dying. it’s more than just worry or maybe even anxiety. it’s just that I am genuinely not able to think of anything but the worst.

if even the slightest thing happens my brain automatically goes to the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen.

for example: I was in the shower and i heard a noise. I know that it could’ve been literally anything, my cat knocked something over or maybe my dogs were playing. I can acknowledge these things but my brain created and entire scenario where someone broke into my home and i imagined my dog being protective and attacking and then being shot in the head and then the intruder comes into the bathroom and sees my naked body and decides, instead of killing me, to sell me off.

all from a small and simple noise. 

and i knew how crazy and illogical it was yet I felt that it was the most possible thing to happen at that moment.

my brain is just messed up.

I can’t be left alone without feeling like I have been abandoned and i can’t see my loved ones driving away without feeling like I will never see or speak to them again.

there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is but I just wanna feel better.

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get better or treat yourself better?

I started to think that maybe I’m not getting better, but I am getting better at dealing with this fact. I am basically the typical “joke about depression teen” when it has truly affected my life and the people around me. It’s a struggle to know that your own thoughts are bringing someone down along with you as they try to help you through it and when you refuse their help they insist which just drags them even further down with you. I love my friends. I love them enough to keep them in the dark now when I feel my world closing in on me. and lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to forget some things that make me want to tear my fucking hair out. But, every morning i wake up early, I take a long and warm shower and then I put on a face mask and cook myself some eggs. and for a while, I forget about how hard it’s all been on me. I sit in bed and remember some of the good times which yeah, make me a bit sad but it’s the good kind of sad. This whole time I’ve been aching to get better but really I just need to take care of myself. I need to go for more walks and read more books and take more pictures and talk to more people. This post sorta went all over the place but moral of it is that you can either pine for a better life and a better mindset or you can gradually work your way up the ladder and maybe get where you’re going with baby steps. Just…take care of yourself. 

eating pt. 2: the worry.

i haven’t had a meal in a while. I am trying very hard not to worry but it is getting worse. I am skinnier now than I ever have been. i am weak, and tired and my wounds take a while to heal. I am never hungry so I never eat, only when I get dizzy or when I am out with friends. I eat with them so they can stop worrying so much but I think I should stop because it’s getting bad. I can feel my hip bones now which is an entirely new thing for me given my state a couple months ago. it has to be the stress but I don’t know how to fix it. but thinking of food now just sort of makes me sick and that worries me because I can’t have then worry about me like last time.

list of dos and donts when my depression gets bad again

Dos

  • do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups

  • drink lots of water 

  • read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it

  • listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.

  • talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener

  • detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.

  • clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.

  • draw flowers. you love flowers.

  • plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.

      Donts

      • nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
      • stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
      • watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
      • bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
      • think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
        • listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
        • shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.

          DONT WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.

          thanks for the pepperoni and sausage pizza, dad, but u know I’ve been a vegetarian for over a year.

          ok but

          this is actually an issue.

          I have been living with my dad for almost 3 years  and last year I made the decision to become a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian before, when I was a kid, but I had to stop because my dad “doesn’t trust people who don’t eat meat” and it made me feel sad. but I’m not a kid anymore and i can make life altering decisions on my own and he has no choice but to respect them.
          although I believe this to be true, he still finds little ways to get back at me for this. for example, getting food for me that I do not eat like pepperoni and sausage pizza or burgers from big star and it literally makes me feel terrible. it makes me feel unimportant to him. he used to see me as his world, his savior  (and i mean he literally saw me as someone who saved his life bc I’m the reason he didn’t kill himself but that’s a story for another time) but I guess he just came to terms with the fact that I’m really just an average teen that makes decisions he doesn’t like.
          I think he’s just getting sick of me.
          he isn’t caring so much anymore now that I’m older.
          my shoulder is acting up again and he didn’t say anything when I told him.
          my glasses broke and it didn’t matter.
          I mentioned my eating habits and it didn’t matter.
          It doesn’t matter anymore but ya know what I’m not gonna let it get to me.