I look and act like pretty much anyone.
I function normally and i can socialise with people and I’m not shy.
but I have depression.
I suffer with it. and i truly mean I suffer.
its always there no matter what good comes into my life . sure, it can get better but it makes itself known when the lights and sun go down and and when the lights and sun come up and everywhere in between.
depression doesn’t just go away when someone comes into your life . and it doesn’t suddenly come back when you have a break up or when your dog dies. it’s an illness. an actual mental illness. and you just suffer. like I suffer.
and it sucks because it’s really hard for me to talk to people about it and to explain what it’s really like for me and how it feels to be inside my head. normally I just joke about it and they also begin to joke about it and it never becomes serious.
I need to work on that.
what I really wanna tell them is that I hurt. I hurt when I am alone and i hurt when I’m in bed and i hurt when I am having a good time because I know it won’t last when my back hits the mattress. I don’t write anymore and i fucking miss it but I can’t bring myself to bring stories to life. I realized I’m a social eater. but it’s just because I don’t want them to notice that I’ve been getting skinnier and skinnier and more tired and more fragile. my wounds take forever to heal and I’m always tired. I am always fuckin tired. my room is never clean and i hate it but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. and my hair is falling out. from stress or from not eating i don’t know maybe both but I hate it. I laugh and i joke and i go out but it’s just to try to fill what I know is wrong with me in my brain.
this is all I have at the moment.
I started to think that maybe I’m not getting better, but I am getting better at dealing with this fact. I am basically the typical “joke about depression teen” when it has truly affected my life and the people around me. It’s a struggle to know that your own thoughts are bringing someone down along with you as they try to help you through it and when you refuse their help they insist which just drags them even further down with you. I love my friends. I love them enough to keep them in the dark now when I feel my world closing in on me. and lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to forget some things that make me want to tear my fucking hair out. But, every morning i wake up early, I take a long and warm shower and then I put on a face mask and cook myself some eggs. and for a while, I forget about how hard it’s all been on me. I sit in bed and remember some of the good times which yeah, make me a bit sad but it’s the good kind of sad. This whole time I’ve been aching to get better but really I just need to take care of myself. I need to go for more walks and read more books and take more pictures and talk to more people. This post sorta went all over the place but moral of it is that you can either pine for a better life and a better mindset or you can gradually work your way up the ladder and maybe get where you’re going with baby steps. Just…take care of yourself.
i haven’t had a meal in a while. I am trying very hard not to worry but it is getting worse. I am skinnier now than I ever have been. i am weak, and tired and my wounds take a while to heal. I am never hungry so I never eat, only when I get dizzy or when I am out with friends. I eat with them so they can stop worrying so much but I think I should stop because it’s getting bad. I can feel my hip bones now which is an entirely new thing for me given my state a couple months ago. it has to be the stress but I don’t know how to fix it. but thinking of food now just sort of makes me sick and that worries me because I can’t have then worry about me like last time.
do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups
drink lots of water
read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it
listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.
talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener
detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.
clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.
draw flowers. you love flowers.
- plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.
- nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
- stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
- watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
- bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
- think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
- listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
- shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.
DON‘T WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.
this is actually an issue.
I have been living with my dad for almost 3 years and last year I made the decision to become a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian before, when I was a kid, but I had to stop because my dad “doesn’t trust people who don’t eat meat” and it made me feel sad. but I’m not a kid anymore and i can make life altering decisions on my own and he has no choice but to respect them.
although I believe this to be true, he still finds little ways to get back at me for this. for example, getting food for me that I do not eat like pepperoni and sausage pizza or burgers from big star and it literally makes me feel terrible. it makes me feel unimportant to him. he used to see me as his world, his savior (and i mean he literally saw me as someone who saved his life bc I’m the reason he didn’t kill himself but that’s a story for another time) but I guess he just came to terms with the fact that I’m really just an average teen that makes decisions he doesn’t like.
I think he’s just getting sick of me.
he isn’t caring so much anymore now that I’m older.
my shoulder is acting up again and he didn’t say anything when I told him.
my glasses broke and it didn’t matter.
I mentioned my eating habits and it didn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter anymore but ya know what I’m not gonna let it get to me.