I started to think that maybe I’m not getting better, but I am getting better at dealing with this fact. I am basically the typical “joke about depression teen” when it has truly affected my life and the people around me. It’s a struggle to know that your own thoughts are bringing someone down along with you as they try to help you through it and when you refuse their help they insist which just drags them even further down with you. I love my friends. I love them enough to keep them in the dark now when I feel my world closing in on me. and lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to forget some things that make me want to tear my fucking hair out. But, every morning i wake up early, I take a long and warm shower and then I put on a face mask and cook myself some eggs. and for a while, I forget about how hard it’s all been on me. I sit in bed and remember some of the good times which yeah, make me a bit sad but it’s the good kind of sad. This whole time I’ve been aching to get better but really I just need to take care of myself. I need to go for more walks and read more books and take more pictures and talk to more people. This post sorta went all over the place but moral of it is that you can either pine for a better life and a better mindset or you can gradually work your way up the ladder and maybe get where you’re going with baby steps. Just…take care of yourself.
today is a solar eclipse.
It also happens to be the anniversary of the first time we kissed.
I remember it like it was yesterday because it was the first time I wasn’t nervous to kiss a boy.
we were in your bed, laying down, and you were holding me from behind.
god, I could’ve stayed there forever.
you started kissing my neck and stroking my body and it was like every nerve woke up where you touched.
you were sick at the time, a cold. and we had told each other we would wait till you got better but you made it so hard.
I said “screw it” and i turned around and kissed you.
It felt right.
months later and your ex and i found out you were talking to us at the same time.
so fuck you,
it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, a like of poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.
he is gone for months.
we will not speak till january.
and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion.
I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone
and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.
August 10th, the day you were born.
today is going to suck because you will be all I can think of today.
like, “what are you doing” and “are you doing well” and “do you still think about me” and “do you still think about her” and “do you think about what you did to us because you fucking ruined us both and i hope it eats away at you till the day you come back”.
I started a photography project on you. happy birthday; it can be your present. im hoping it gives me the temporary closure that I deserve because the day you come back i will be ready for it. I will no longer be the sad girl that is currently sitting and writing this. I will be strong and steady and firm and sure.
do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups
drink lots of water
read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it
listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.
talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener
detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.
clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.
draw flowers. you love flowers.
- plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.
- nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
- stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
- watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
- bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
- think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
- listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
- shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.
everything reminds me of him.
old cars, dimples, brown eyes, large steering wheels, dinosaurs, even fucking burritos.
he follows me everywhere I go and it sucks because I just want to heal and i cannot do that if he is still here in my mind.
he took my heart and my sanity to freaking south carolina.
memories in his bed and in his stupid beautiful car play in my head on a loop when I am alone which is the WORST because all I want to be right now is alone.
brown eyes aren’t the same for me anymore which means I can never look my own damn self in the eyes without wanting to ball up my fists and pull at my hair.
i wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing.