I found a box of his things & then I cried again 

it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, a like of poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.

he is gone for months.

we will not speak till january.

and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion. 

I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone 

and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.

happy birthday, you piece of absolute garbage 

August 10th, the day you were born. 

today is going to suck because you will be all I can think of today.

like, “what are you doing” and “are you doing well” and “do you still think about me” and “do you still think about her” and “do you think about what you did to us because you fucking ruined us both and i hope it eats away at you till the day you come back”.

I started a photography project on you. happy birthday; it can be your present. im hoping it gives me the temporary closure that I deserve because the day you come back i will be ready for it. I will no longer be the sad girl that is currently sitting and writing this. I will be strong and steady and firm and sure.

happy birthday.

fuck you. 

list of dos and donts when my depression gets bad again

Dos

  • do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups

  • drink lots of water 

  • read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it

  • listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.

  • talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener

  • detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.

  • clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.

  • draw flowers. you love flowers.

  • plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.

      Donts

      • nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
      • stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
      • watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
      • bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
      • think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
        • listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
        • shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.

          DONT WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.

          he is not the sky!!! YOU ARE!!!

          honey, he isn’t thinking of you.

          he isn’t thinking of talking to you or kissing you or holding you.

          one day you’re going to have to realize that it’s over even if he doesn’t tell you. 

          you’re gonna break, or maybe you already have but you are the sun and the moon and the stars and he will not hold you back.

          the crushing in your chest and the hardness of your cheeks won’t last forever.