I think a lot about me, and everyone I love around me, dying. it’s more than just worry or maybe even anxiety. it’s just that I am genuinely not able to think of anything but the worst.
if even the slightest thing happens my brain automatically goes to the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen.
for example: I was in the shower and i heard a noise. I know that it could’ve been literally anything, my cat knocked something over or maybe my dogs were playing. I can acknowledge these things but my brain created and entire scenario where someone broke into my home and i imagined my dog being protective and attacking and then being shot in the head and then the intruder comes into the bathroom and sees my naked body and decides, instead of killing me, to sell me off.
all from a small and simple noise.
and i knew how crazy and illogical it was yet I felt that it was the most possible thing to happen at that moment.
my brain is just messed up.
I can’t be left alone without feeling like I have been abandoned and i can’t see my loved ones driving away without feeling like I will never see or speak to them again.
there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is but I just wanna feel better.
and as my eyes burn up i slowly start to realize that I feel alone.
ever since I was a kid I could never be home alone or my anxiety would build up and i would freak out over the simplist of sounds.
a gasp of air would leave my mouth and my heart would pump fast and faster as I look around to find no one there.
fingers tighten around my throat and a sob leaks from my lips because I AM ALONE.
it isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last and even with this knowledge i fear for the future.
I fear for the fear.
come back here and feel okay.
I started to think that maybe I’m not getting better, but I am getting better at dealing with this fact. I am basically the typical “joke about depression teen” when it has truly affected my life and the people around me. It’s a struggle to know that your own thoughts are bringing someone down along with you as they try to help you through it and when you refuse their help they insist which just drags them even further down with you. I love my friends. I love them enough to keep them in the dark now when I feel my world closing in on me. and lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to forget some things that make me want to tear my fucking hair out. But, every morning i wake up early, I take a long and warm shower and then I put on a face mask and cook myself some eggs. and for a while, I forget about how hard it’s all been on me. I sit in bed and remember some of the good times which yeah, make me a bit sad but it’s the good kind of sad. This whole time I’ve been aching to get better but really I just need to take care of myself. I need to go for more walks and read more books and take more pictures and talk to more people. This post sorta went all over the place but moral of it is that you can either pine for a better life and a better mindset or you can gradually work your way up the ladder and maybe get where you’re going with baby steps. Just…take care of yourself.
do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups
drink lots of water
read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it
listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.
talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener
detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.
clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.
draw flowers. you love flowers.
- plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.
- nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
- stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
- watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
- bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
- think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
- listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
- shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.
DON‘T WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.
there was a time where I would spend the entire morning with you before you had to go to work late afternoon.
and two hours later, on your break, you would beg me to come see you for those short 15 minutes.
there was a time where I would sneak out of my house at midnight just to sleep with you for a few hours because you asked me to.
and because I wasn’t able to see you the next day, you whined when I had to leave because a day felt like an eternity without me.
there was a time where we had spent 2 full days together and i was worried that you were beginning to get sick of me, but you reassured me that you never would.
but you don’t beg me to see you on your breaks anymore. you dont ask me to come over anymore. and if one day feels like an eternity than you must be in forever because I haven’t seen you in weeks. and you don’t reassure me anymore and you don’t say goodmorning anymore and you don’t hold my hand anymore.
and i miss you terribly. and i started smoking again. but I’ve also started writing again. and I’ve started reading again.
but I don’t eat. and i haven’t slept.
how am I supposed to look at it?