I found a box of his things & then I cried again 

it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, a like of poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.

he is gone for months.

we will not speak till january.

and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion. 

I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone 

and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.

happy birthday, you piece of absolute garbage 

August 10th, the day you were born. 

today is going to suck because you will be all I can think of today.

like, “what are you doing” and “are you doing well” and “do you still think about me” and “do you still think about her” and “do you think about what you did to us because you fucking ruined us both and i hope it eats away at you till the day you come back”.

I started a photography project on you. happy birthday; it can be your present. im hoping it gives me the temporary closure that I deserve because the day you come back i will be ready for it. I will no longer be the sad girl that is currently sitting and writing this. I will be strong and steady and firm and sure.

happy birthday.

fuck you. 

eating pt. 2: the worry.

i haven’t had a meal in a while. I am trying very hard not to worry but it is getting worse. I am skinnier now than I ever have been. i am weak, and tired and my wounds take a while to heal. I am never hungry so I never eat, only when I get dizzy or when I am out with friends. I eat with them so they can stop worrying so much but I think I should stop because it’s getting bad. I can feel my hip bones now which is an entirely new thing for me given my state a couple months ago. it has to be the stress but I don’t know how to fix it. but thinking of food now just sort of makes me sick and that worries me because I can’t have then worry about me like last time.

list of dos and donts when my depression gets bad again

Dos

  • do more things u like to do like writing & taking pictures and stuff idk go to an animal shelter and play with the pups

  • drink lots of water 

  • read more books so u can focus more on one thing bc you know a lot when you get bad you can’t think straight and reading helps take your mind off it

  • listen to happy music. like one direction or something. it brings your mood up.

  • talk to oliver bc he’s a damn good listener

  • detail shots put your mind to work and you love it. it always makes you feel just a little better and a little at a time is better than none at all.

  • clean. I know you hate it, but do it anyway because you’ll feel better when it’s done.

  • draw flowers. you love flowers.

  • plan your meals for the next week. we don’t need a repeat of July.

      Donts

      • nap. you’re always tired but you do not need more than 8 hours.
      • stay inside. walk around the block if u gotta but it’s ugly in your house and it’ll bring your mood down.
      • watch dog videos. they make you sad even when they have a happy ending.
      • bottle it up. you tend to do this, but it’s okay if your friends worry about you. it means they love you and care about you.
      • think too much. this gets you shaken. and panic attacks are not something you want added onto you.
        • listen to sad music, idiot . u know what I mean
        • shut down. this will push you deeper and you have to make sure there is a point where you can pull yourself out.

          DONT WORRY. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND YOU ARE STRONG.

          eye contact is a thing of the past, brown eyes.

          everything reminds me of him. 

          old cars, dimples, brown eyes, large steering wheels, dinosaurs, even fucking burritos.

          he follows me everywhere I go and it sucks because I just want to heal and i cannot do that if he is still here in my mind.

          he took my heart and my sanity to freaking south carolina.

          memories in his bed and in his stupid beautiful car play in my head on a loop when I am alone which is the WORST because all I want to be right now is alone. 

          brown eyes aren’t the same for me anymore which means I can never look my own damn self in the eyes without wanting to ball up my fists and pull at my hair.

          i wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing.

          you are the ocean waves and i am choking

          I had a dream where you loved me again.

          and when I woke up, it hurt.

          I knew it was too good to be true.

          because first you made me feel like the world

          and then you stopped

          and now you’re gone.

          and when you come back i don’t know what I’ll do with myself. 

          you are the ocean waves

          and i am choking. 

          She’s broken – Billie Eilish

          put urself together because u are amazing!!!

          and so, the sun will go down, and the noise will fade away. I will be alone in my room in my bed and I will not be able to hide the fact that I am truly hurt.

           I will pull out my pen and I will write about it. I will write of the tears and the sobs. I will cry and cover my mouth so no one hears me; even though I am alone.

           I will fall asleep and wake up with dark circles. I will go about my day while the sun is up like I’m doing just fine. 

          but the sun will always go down so I will always feel the hurt till I put myself together again.