natalia is never allowed to get drunk ever again 

I believe the best way to deal with bad things happening to me is to not take them seriously. 

like my parents divorce or my eating disorder or in this case, when my sober close friend made the decision to make out with me while I was wasted.

I barely remembered it when I woke up.

The more I talked about it the more I started to remember. 

I remember us talking about how I was still drunk.

I remember telling him it was his decision whether or not something happened.

I remember him stroking my body before it happened.

I remember him grabbing me and pulling me closer as it happened.

I don’t remember every single detail but I remember enough to be full of regret, discomfort, and disgust. 

As the days go on its all I can think about. I wanna remember the whole thing but it probably won’t happen if it’s already been a day and a half.

I talk about it seriously on here, but of the 2 people i told i have convinced them that I am not nearly as hurt and affected by it even though it’s been clouding my mind.

he was supposed to be my friend.

just my friend.

but friends don’t take advantage of you.

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I found a box of his things & then I cried again 

it contained a small amount of things: sunglasses he bought me, shirts he both gave me and that I stole, a bracelet he gave me from his trip to Florida (i asked him “isn’t this special to you?” and he replied “yeah but so are you”), the shoes he bought me after I refused, a ticket stub from our first date, and lastly, a like of poems i wrote about him. I knew I shouldn’t have read through them but the masochist in me won and i really felt it hit me.

he is gone for months.

we will not speak till january.

and the note we left on was bitter and awful and full of hurt and absolute confusion. 

I wasn’t sure who to believe at that point because nothing was adding up and i felt like my brain was going to fucking explode because so much was happening all at once and then you were just gone 

and all that’s left is me and her talking about the past and talking about how we’re gonna make it to the future.

happy birthday, you piece of absolute garbage 

August 10th, the day you were born. 

today is going to suck because you will be all I can think of today.

like, “what are you doing” and “are you doing well” and “do you still think about me” and “do you still think about her” and “do you think about what you did to us because you fucking ruined us both and i hope it eats away at you till the day you come back”.

I started a photography project on you. happy birthday; it can be your present. im hoping it gives me the temporary closure that I deserve because the day you come back i will be ready for it. I will no longer be the sad girl that is currently sitting and writing this. I will be strong and steady and firm and sure.

happy birthday.

fuck you. 

eye contact is a thing of the past, brown eyes.

everything reminds me of him. 

old cars, dimples, brown eyes, large steering wheels, dinosaurs, even fucking burritos.

he follows me everywhere I go and it sucks because I just want to heal and i cannot do that if he is still here in my mind.

he took my heart and my sanity to freaking south carolina.

memories in his bed and in his stupid beautiful car play in my head on a loop when I am alone which is the WORST because all I want to be right now is alone. 

brown eyes aren’t the same for me anymore which means I can never look my own damn self in the eyes without wanting to ball up my fists and pull at my hair.

i wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing.

bruises on my knuckles and cuts on my fingers. Aug 1. it was personal.

I found out that his bed has been corrupted.

and his kiss was never mine.

and his words were not just for me.

I got bruised knuckles and cuts on my fingers 

but today has been better than yesterday.

and tomorrow i will be sore but it will be better than today. 

I will always count on tomorrow.

I’m all out of order

there was a time where I would spend the entire morning with you before you had to go to work late afternoon. 

and two hours later, on your break, you would beg me to come see you for those short 15 minutes. 
there was a time where I would sneak out of my house at midnight just to sleep with you for a few hours because you asked me to. 

and because I wasn’t able to see you the next day, you whined when I had to leave because a day felt like an eternity without me.
there was a time where we had spent 2 full days together and i was worried that you were beginning to get sick of me, but you reassured me that you never would.

but you don’t beg me to see you on your breaks anymore. you dont ask me to come over anymore. and if one day feels like an eternity than you must be in forever because I haven’t seen you in weeks. and you don’t reassure me anymore and you don’t say goodmorning anymore and you don’t hold my hand anymore.
and i miss you terribly. and i started smoking again. but I’ve also started writing again. and I’ve started reading again. 

but I don’t eat. and i haven’t slept. 
how am I supposed to look at it?

some messages i sent him soon before it was over.

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miss u. hope you got home okay.

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you opened up to me just a little bit last night and now you’re just gonna run away? fine but I deserve to have a few questions answered about what the hell is going on? What are you so afraid of?

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I don’t even know what I did wrong
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okay okay babe have fun 

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you used to be so different with me lol you used to invite me over just to sleep and send me reassuring goodnight messages and pick me up early as hell just to spend time with me and beg me to stay with you longer and you used to tell me that a day without me felt like a year but now you can go weeks without me and seem to be completely fine 

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yeah well I’m tired about not being important to you so guess things suck for the both of us

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well why won’t you try

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it’s like one moment I’m worried that you want nothing to do with me and then the next moment you’re apologizing and telling me you wanna see me lol

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i feel like someone you’re just sort of talking to at the moment without progression 

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I’ve literally wanted nothing more than to just be with you and it’s like you don’t even care lol it sucks because I know you’re leaving soon so I just want to spend time with you

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i feel like I should just take a page out of the book “he’s just not that into you” and pull the whole “if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen no matter what” thing because you seem to just be trying to avoid it altogether  and that’s lame so 

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i need my sweater back. not today but soon

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he’s pretty great. he’s gonna be grilling out today and probably getting drunk 

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also, please be careful driving bc I care about you loser

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did you happen to find my sweater that I left there from like weeks ago

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don’t bother coming. i have like half a wall left.

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 you cant just go and say “yeah hey natalia i pinky promise that I’m drunk driving tonight oh man I just took 2 shots haha” and not respond 

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are you able to come see me rn 

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so you’re just done with me now?

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what am I to you .