he asked me if I was happy
I sigh, a lot of the time.
but not all the time
and not as much as i want to be.
but right now
I am okay.
im sorry he says
I reply it’s not your fault
he says not that kind of sorry.
The kind of sorry where I’m saying
I wish it’d get better
but I’m not gonna sit here and try to solve everything.
and it was then I knew I was in too deep
because he wasn’t trying to fix me.
I pick away at the nail polish on my fingers.
this is a sign of distress i have learned about myself.
he wakes up and grabs my hand.
does he know? or does he think he knows?
I choose to believe the former.
because either way
I feel better.
I love to watch him sleep.
my eyelashes scrape against the pillow when i blink and i wonder if he can hear it because it sounds like thunder to my ears but then again his slow breathing sounds like waves calmly crashing onto the shore.
my head is dizzy.
but I love to watch him sleep.
he hears me scrape away the polish on my nails
I thought he was asleep.
he says what are you thinking about?
I tell him nothing
he doesn’t believe me, but also doesn’t push.
he talks of the future
and reasons to get up in the morning
he talks of the very things I am afraid of.
but his voice is sweet
it doesn’t sound so scary when it comes from his lips.
and it also sounds possible.
he could devastate me.
a part of me
I know we’re too young to think about forever.
but right now that’s what it feels like.
when is it too early for love
I am unable to think of anything but the way his fingers draw on my body
like they are trying to paint the most beautiful picture.
no artist could compare to his fingertips on my skin.
he speaks in tongues on my inner thighs.
his hands make their way around my body
i am awake
and i am alive.
tongues dance and fingers play
we are putting on a show.
arguments, even small ones about limes,
leave a burning sensation in my throat
and make my tongue feel like poison.
I worry he will get tired of who i am.
he reassures me often but what if he gets tired of it? of me?
I have no reason to feel this way.
we are in love.
god, I love him.
but what if love gets tiring?
I’m just scared with no reason to be scared.